On Fucking Up

Where to begin? Imagine that you go out with friends. Imagine that all is well, you're all having a good time, and you're glad that this night has come, and its relaxing. Imagine that you drink a bit, and feel nothing. Imagine that you drink some more and still feel nothing. You have one more round, only to get a very slight buzz. Finally, you say, "I'm just gonna have one more round." You have your round and finally, it all hits you at once. Blackout. Imagine waking up the next morning to find that you may have lost your best friend, ruined a chance for his future love life, and owe him a new phone. What makes this worse? You don't remember any of it. Nothing. Not a scratch. You don't have patchy memories of things going wrong. You remember NOTHING.

This, dear readers, is where I find myself. Apparently, I said some horrible things. From what I understand, they were maybe worse than horrible. I don't know what I said. I don't know where to start to fix something like this, or if it's even possible. I turned on someone who has had my back for a good long while. I don't know what I was thinking, or how to retrace my steps because the liquor stole those clues from me. I guess I should say I gave them freely.

I'm writing this for two reasons. First of all, I'm hoping that this person reads this, and knows how truly sorry I am. He has had my back for a very long time. He has sat with me through some of my lowest points. Aside from my father, he may be the only man to have seen me cry in my adult life, that I am aware of. He has put up with a whole lot of bullshit from me, and apart from all of this, we have had a great time together. I care about him deeply, and if he never wants to talk with, or see me again... I understand. I just want him to know that I do care what happens to him, and I am sorry for being an utter asshole.

Secondly, I am writing this to confirm his thoughts. I do not need to drink for a good, long while. I have found myself drinking often. Too often. I do need to stop. It has become a problem in my life. It has cost me my grounding, my confidence, and maybe now, my best friend. I will not be drinking again for a long time, maybe forever, and I hope everyone respects that.

John